I suffer from anxiety. I’m not a worrywart, just anxious. I attribute a good amount of this to firstborness disease. The typical never-break-a-rule syndrome. I aim to please. Not only please, but exceed expectations.

I never want to have to be corrected. Not because I don’t want to be better, but because I want to figure out how to be better before anyone has to tell me.

I want to be perfect[HA!],and a “real and honest” person… but perfect, none the less. When it comes to mistakes, I often know I have made it before anyone has to say a thing. I want to fix it, and move on, without anyone mentioning it. Ever.

I would even say I “hide” things, silly things, from Caleb… because I don’t want him to be disappointed or disapprove. Dumb things, like the fact that I watched General Hospital [yes, the soap opera] today while sitting at home unemployed. He would never do that. He would have prayed instead.

I need the gospel, the good news that God has come near to us, and that He is bringing His way, here. Right now. His way of peace and goodness. The only thing that gets me beyond this constant anxiety is the fact that my life is to give glory to Him, and that He will do that himself. When I accept that, only then, do I have peace. Only then do I have freedom from myself.

I wish I could remember that. I want to not have to remember it, but to have it just be how I think– that my only concern is to praise God, and that He will accomplish the rest.

O my God, have mercy on me, for I am a sinner.


3 thoughts on “Yikes.

  1. Hey Elli,

    It takes guts to expose yourself like that, so kudos to you for opening up your humanness.

    I was exposed to a mite of wisdom that may be helpful and Godly. True, we are all faulted humans––but Christ’s sacrifice to take the fall for our weakness gives us grace. In that grace, we aim to GET BETTER, and not focus on ALREADY BEING GOOD.

    Speaking as one eldest child to another, I think we too often focus on exceeding expectations and being perfect all the time. When we fail, we self-flagellate, hoping no one sees our weakness. The alternative is we show our underbellies, in a paradoxical way showing others how hard we’re trying and how badly we need God.

    The truth of the matter is, we’re already forgiven. God’s grace covers everything. All of it. And all God wants from us is our willingness to keep getting better, and keep driving towards him. He already knows that we’re not perfect. We should stop expecting ourselves to be, and instead focus on getting better and getting better.

    • yes. True… but I would also say that the “getting better” is still a belief that we are earning our grace from Him. I know it’s that balance of striving for the Lord yet it’s Him who completes the good work. It’s a turning of perspectives… not saying that excellence isn’t important, but saying that the excellence is to come from a motivation of God’s grace and mercy, rather than to save face or pure achievement.

  2. Elli, when I was going to Bible Study Fellowship, I remember someone once saying “I get so tired climbing on and off the Throne. We need to remember only God is perfect and we can only strive to be there. We need to love ourselves as we are today, as God loves us, and continue to seek God’s will in our life. Hey it is okay to watch General Hospital!!! And you WILL find employment. Bless you both. I am so proud of you and know you two are the best!!!

    All my love, Grandma Lu

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