I suffer from anxiety. I’m not a worrywart, just anxious. I attribute a good amount of this to firstborness disease. The typical never-break-a-rule syndrome. I aim to please. Not only please, but exceed expectations.
I never want to have to be corrected. Not because I don’t want to be better, but because I want to figure out how to be better before anyone has to tell me.
I want to be perfect[HA!],and a “real and honest” person… but perfect, none the less. When it comes to mistakes, I often know I have made it before anyone has to say a thing. I want to fix it, and move on, without anyone mentioning it. Ever.
I would even say I “hide” things, silly things, from Caleb… because I don’t want him to be disappointed or disapprove. Dumb things, like the fact that I watched General Hospital [yes, the soap opera] today while sitting at home unemployed. He would never do that. He would have prayed instead.
I need the gospel, the good news that God has come near to us, and that He is bringing His way, here. Right now. His way of peace and goodness. The only thing that gets me beyond this constant anxiety is the fact that my life is to give glory to Him, and that He will do that himself. When I accept that, only then, do I have peace. Only then do I have freedom from myself.
I wish I could remember that. I want to not have to remember it, but to have it just be how I think– that my only concern is to praise God, and that He will accomplish the rest.
O my God, have mercy on me, for I am a sinner.